


The Condor, The Eagle and The Turtle

by roryheadmav



Category: Gatchaman
Genre: Gatchaman - Freeform, Gen, Humor, Oneshot, Some Explicit Language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-05-01
Updated: 2008-05-01
Packaged: 2017-10-05 07:12:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/39128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/roryheadmav/pseuds/roryheadmav
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There was an accident, and Joe is putting all the blame squarely on the Eagle. As he plots his revenge, he discovers something new about Ken, something he never expected.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Condor, The Eagle and The Turtle

**Author's Note:**

> This story is a product of sheer boredom and growing irritation while I was waiting to interview a medical oncologist. We were supposed to have the interview at 3 pm, prior to his starting his clinic, which was really at 4 pm. Needless to say, a patient came in early so he had to see her. Then another came in…and another…and another… I was slowly but surely about to lose my temper; after all, I was already in his clinic at 2:30. I just found myself remembering Gatchaman Ep. 2, which I had watched the day before – in particular, one silly little scene from it that has apparently become permanently etched in my memory. I picked up my notebook and began writing. By the time the doctor was ready for the interview – it was already 6:30 pm then, I realized that I had a completed story in my hands. And this is what you're about to read. Sorry about this silly little tale. I could only blame this drivel on temporary insanity.

 

It all began with an accident – _"An accident, really!"_ – or at least, that's what an infuriated Joe was struggling to make himself believe, as he stomped through the mysteriously deserted hallways of Crescent Coral heading for Nambu's office.

When the Condor was in one of his dark moods, business still went on as usual, with the base's staff simply ignoring him. But now that inadvertently bumping into the Lieutenant Commander of the Kagaku Ninjatai was tantamount to suicide, everyone steered clear of the places where he was at, thanks to the careful monitoring by the security team.

The accident – _"It was an accident, I swear!"_ – occurred during one of the team's training exercises, one of those drills that was designed to gauge each member's skills, quick thinking, and response times when facing overwhelming odds.

It was supposed to be a breeze through the park. From actual combat experience, they had faced far greater numbers and much larger-sized mecha than the drones they were fighting now. Because of this, everyone should have expected Joe to become impatient and press a ruthless counterattack that went against the battle strategy they had planned.

Besides, he had a date tonight, damn it! It's not every day that a guy would get to go out with that redheaded bombshell down in Logistics.

Naturally, Ken lost his temper when a laser beam nearly seared his head because the Condor wasn't watching his back as he should. "Condor, keep your position!"

To this command, Joe yelled back, "Hah! It's you guys who should keep up with me! If you're just going to slow me down, honey face, plunk your pretty ass down in the corner!"

There was no warning – _"I did tell you to look out, Joe!"_ – just the hiss of a disturbance in the air when disaster struck him…LITERALLY.

The Condor was drawn out of his angry musings when Nambu himself popped into the corridor. Seeing him, the ISO Chief Scientist stopped dead in his tracks. Had he forgotten that he had ordered Joe to his office? Regaining his composure, Nambu held up the folder he was carrying and pretended to flip through the files inside, but Joe knew that the doctor was trying to avoid eye contact with him.

"Wait for me in my office, Joe," Nambu said, his voice sounding rather strained. "I'll just bring these files over to Engineering."

"Yes, sir," was the Condor's simple reply.

He didn't want to prolong this encounter any more than he should. The poor scientist looked like he was about to crack from the pressure. However, it was the duty of a leader to inquire about the welfare of his subordinates.

Lifting the folder even higher so that only the top of his head could be seen, Nambu asked, "Did you have…that…checked in the infirmary?"

It was a good move for the doctor to raise that folder, because the Condor turned as red as his birdstyle. "Yes, sir. It was just a simple…extraction." He gingerly patted his still tender bottom. "Lucky for me, my birdstyle prevented it from going any…uh…deeper."

"So I heard. That's good, that's good. Now, just take a seat in my office and…" The folder practically encircled Nambu's head as he stammered, "…Uh, maybe that wasn't a good suggestion. You must still feel a bit sore after that…uhurm…EXCUSE ME!"

 

In his haste to flee, the scientist bumped past him. With the folder hampering his vision, he nearly collided with the wall at the end of the hallway. He then made a swift turn to the left, and the laughter he had been struggling to suppress just rang out.

_"I'm really sorry, Joe!But I really, truly swear that it was an accident!"_

Joe's face soured at the memory of wide, round eyes – sweet baby blues infamous for begging, wheedling, cajoling its owner out of several tight situations with a simple misting of tears and bats of obscenely long lashes.

Clenching his right hand into a fist, he snarled between gritted teeth, "You're not weaseling your way out of this one, Washio! Just you wait and see! I'm going to plant my knuckles into your pretty face once I'm done with Hakase!"

As luck would have it, the Condor didn't have to search for Ken after all. Before he could enter Nambu's office, he heard the Eagle's whining voice within.

"Did Hakase have to chew my head off like that?" Ken complained. "He saw for himself that Joe acted out of line again. I blew my stack; I admit that. Yes, I know that I should've been in control of myself. I…I just figured I'd knock him back to his senses with my birdrang."

Joe flared up at that admission. _So he did do it deliberately! I'm of a mind to…_

He stopped before he could push the door wide open. Didn't he just run into Nambu in the corridor? It couldn't be Jun, Ryu or Jinpei. He had left them in their quarters. So…who's Ken talking to in there? Curious, he cracked the door open a little wider and peeked inside.

Ken was sitting before Nambu's desk, folded arms on top. There was a pout on his luscious lips – lips that Joe always thought were wasted on a man, especially a guy like the Eagle – as he laid his chin on his arms. Sighing, he reached out his hand and began tinkering with a small, round, green paperweight.

"You know?" Ken continued. "I always thought Joe had a nice ass, but…" Choked laughter. "…It really didn't look sexy then…with the birdrang sticking out of his butt like that." To the Condor's infuriation, Ken lapsed into baby talk, saying, "Just like your stubby wittle tail!"

Joe was dying to throttle Ken at that moment. Who wouldn't? The only virgin territory left unexplored on his esteemed person had been brutally violated by a boomerang in the shape of a bird. It was a shameful experience that would leave him scarred and traumatized for life!

But then, just as he was about to fulfill his ardent desire of popping a few rounds into his intrepid leader, the Condor finally beheld whom the Eagle was talking to. Joe had to blink several times to make sure that his eyes weren't fooling him. In his surprise, he had to duck back into the corridor and clap both hands over his mouth to stop the laughter that was bubbling up his throat. When he had his mirth under a semblance of control, he looked inside again.

It was a very small green turtle that easily fit in the Eagle's palm. To Joe's amusement, the turtle had its neck stretched out, little head bobbing as it stared back at its master. Ken was playing with its stubby tail with the tip of his finger.

Feeling his laughter rising up again, Joe leaned against the wall and folded his arms over his chest. It was an unexpected and truly comical sight. Owashi No Ken, he who was their brave and very strict leader…with a TURTLE? He wondered how Gatchaman's female admirers would react if they found out that the man of their dreams has a miniscule reptile for a pet.

A sly grin went up the corners of the Condor's mouth as his mind began to whirl with sinister thoughts of revenge. That turtle was certainly opening a lot of opportunities for him. Lost as he was in his plotting, he did not sense the approach of his comrades. It was only when he realized that three pairs of curious eyes were looking at him that he practically jumped out of his reverie.

"Hey, Joe-aniki!" Jinpei greeted out loud. "Whatcha doing out here?"

"Shut up, will you!" Joe hissed back as he shoved his teammates into a nearby supply room.

Just in time, because Ken poked his shaggy head out of Nambu's office and asked, "Is someone out here?"

Inside the supply room, Jun stood glaring at the Condor with arms akimbo. "What were you doing just now?"

"Nambu asked me to go to his office. I wasn't doing anything wrong!" Joe retorted defensively.

The Swan was unconvinced. "Then why were you just standing outside for?"

"That's because Ken was inside. Why are you giving me the third degree?"

"Oh, we understand!" Ryu's face cracked in a broad grin. "You were stalking Ken, weren't you?"

Joe jerked back as a manicured fingernail was thrust at the tip of his nose.

"Listen here, BirdRang Butt!" Jun began warningly.

"DON'T CALL ME THAT!"

"What happened earlier at the Training Room was YOUR fault! If you had followed the plan, Ken wouldn't have flipped out. As far as I'm concerned, you were lucky that the only thing you got was a birdrang up your stiff ass!"

"How did it feel, Joe?" Jinpei had to ask that question. "Did the doctors have to pull it out with pliers or did they have to suck it out with a vacuum?"

The Condor gave his teammate a bop on the head. "For god's sake, don't remind me of that!"

"Hu hu hu!" Ryu chuckled like a loon. "You were planning to get revenge on Ken, weren't you?"

Joe couldn't speak at first. Then again, how could one lie when you have fiery green eyes glowering at you?

"Well? Were you?" Jun asked insistently. "Answer the question, Asakura."

Through gritted teeth, the Condor replied, "How could I even think of revenge after what I've seen in there?"

The Swallow looked scandalized. "Wha…what? Were Ken and Hakase doing…something…" Jinpei let out a cry as the Swan decked him as well.

"For a kid your age," Jun growled, "you have a dirty mind, Jinpei." She turned again to her beleaguered teammate. "So…what did you see, Joe? Are you going to tell us or not?"

What choice did the Condor have? With a sigh of resignation, he waved to his teammates to huddle around him.

A few minutes later, a resounding chorus of "WHAAAAT?" from three shocked members of the Kagaku Ninjatai echoed throughout Crescent Coral.

 

 

_Later that _ _midnight_ _…_

All good plans for vengeance have a tendency to go awry when a salient bit of information was forcefully revealed to people who had no business knowing it in the first place.

"Would you mind telling me why I'm pushing your car?" Jun complained for the umpteenth time since they arrived at Ken's private airfield. "I'm a girl! I'm not supposed to be pushing a car!"

"Well, I didn't tell you guys to tag along now, did I?" Joe retorted as he steered the Nissan into some thick bushes and set her into park.

"Come now, Neechan!" Jinpei piped in with all the exuberance of a curious ten-year old. "I know you want to see it just as much as we do."

The Owl was wringing his hands in anticipation. "I would've brought my camera, but Joe wouldn't let me."

"Guys…" The Swan began in exasperation. "So what if Ken has a pet turtle? He's a kid! Come to think of it, we're all kids!"

Joe's face soured at that remark. "Jun, Ken and I are both eighteen. The term 'kids' applies to people below that age…which the three of you fall under. In any case, I told you the truth. Ken DOES have a pet turtle. It's nothing worth making a public spectacle over."

"You may have seen the turtle," Jun said bluntly, "but that doesn't explain the reason why you decided to come out here. I never figured you to be such a huge turtle lover that you would want to see it again." She shook her head. "No, no, no! You're up to something. I just know it!"

The Condor glowered at Ryu and Jinpei. "What about you two? Aren't you supposed to be hanging around somewhere or asleep in bed?"

"Not really," Ryu replied. "It's not as if I have a social life like you do. Besides, if I stay at home, I'll start bingeing again, and Hakase would have my head if my next weigh in reflects added pounds."

Jinpei answered in turn, "Between cleaning up the Snack J and seeing Aniki's turtle, which would you choose?"

"How about I give you three something better to do with your time?" Joe fumbled for his wallet inside his jeans pocket. Flipping it open, he pulled out a plastic card. "Here's my Platinum Card at the Vid-O-Rama. This bit of plastic will give you access to their famous Back Room."

"You mean…" Drool hung from the corner of the Owl's mouth.

"Even me?" Jinpei inquired, his eyes shining as he pointed to himself.

Joe gave them a smile that would've made a sleazy Bible salesman proud. "You're my Guest card user, right?"

"Do they have…" Jun whispered something in his ear, which caused Joe's eyebrows to rise in surprise.

"But of course!" He tossed the card to Jinpei. "Knock yourselves out, guys!"

Joe congratulated himself proudly as he watched the three unwanted tagalongs marching off while singing "Porn! Porn! We're going to watch porn!" Waving them off with a smart salute, he snuck towards the dilapidated shack that the Eagle called home, heading straight for the sole window.

It being a hot summer, the previous week, Ken had cajoled Joe – Yes, those big blue eyes again. No one could resist them! – into helping him move his bed to the more airy part of the shack, which was right underneath the window. If the Eagle hadn't changed his mind since then, Joe was certain his prey would be in the exact place where he wanted him to be.

Sure enough, as he peeked through the window, Ken was sound asleep in his bed and within easy reach. He was lying flat on his stomach, face turned away from the window, hugging the pillow tightly like a cradle for his head. A threadbare blanket was pulled up to his waist, but it was inadequate to conceal the fact that the Eagle was totally naked underneath it.

As Joe stared enrapt at the slumbering form in front of him, he did not notice the two heads that peeked over his shoulder to gape, awe-struck, at the sleeping beauty their comrade was admiring with undisguised lust.

"OH MY GOD!"

Joe felt his heart give a lurch at that muted cry of delight. Furious, he yanked Jun down before the Eagle could hear her. It was only then that he saw Ryu and Jinpei, who were grinning back at him like lunatics.

"What the hell are you guys still doing here?" the Condor demanded in fury. "Didn't I just send you off to the Vid-O-Rama?"

"Have you forgotten we're all minors?" Ryu said, rather disgruntled. "Even with your Platinum Card, we wouldn't be able to borrow stuff from the Back Room without you with us."

"Besides, who needs porn when you have…" Jun clapped her hands to her cheeks to hide her blush as she squirmed in place like an earthworm. "Oh my! Oh my! Oh my! Ken sleeps naked!"

"Oh, get a grip, girl! Haven't you given Jinpei baths when he was little? He's a guy!"

The Swan stared at him as though he were an idiot. "Excuse me! I mean…HELLO!" Gesturing to the Swallow, she declared, "This…is a boy! That…" She waved to the window. "…Is a man!"

"Gee, thanks for pointing out to everyone that I'm still a kid, Neechan!" Jinpei remarked resentfully. "Well, I'm not interested to see Aniki in his birthday suit. So where's the turtle? I want to see it!"

"Jouji…"

Everyone froze at that mumble, especially Joe since that was the Japanese pronunciation of his name. When no more sounds could be heard inside, four curious heads slowly rose and peered through the window. Jun, Jinpei and Ryu's mouths were perfect O's when they beheld Ken's infamous pet. The turtle was ruffling the Eagle's fluffy mane with its flippers, its little nose poking the back of his master's head.

"Jouji, it's not din din time," Ken grumbled drowsily. "Go back to sleep."

The Owl covered his mouth with his hands and let out a muffled snort. "Jouji?" he gave Joe an amused glance. "The turtle's name is 'Jouji'?"

A look of dark suspicion marred Jun's pretty features. "Joe Asakura…is there a special reason why Ken would name his turtle after you?"

"I should say it's definitely not because it looks like you," Jinpei mused critically, first looking at the playful turtle and then at a steamed Condor. "Actually, if you were a reptile, I'd say you'd be a crocodile."

"Hey, Joe!" Ryu piped in. "Weren't you approached on the street by a representative of that company Lacoste if you could model some T-shirts for them? They must have seen the resemblance between you and their logo."

"SHUT UP!"

"He's already a vulture, for chrissake!" the Swan argued back. "He doesn't need to resemble another animal because vultures are ugly birds to begin with!"

"You're calling me 'ugly'?" the Condor exclaimed aghast. "Do you know how many women would claw your eyes out at that remark? And how the hell should I know the reason why Ken decided to name his damned turtle after me? For all I know, he must've done it to insult me!"

The Owl shook his head in contradiction. "Nah, I don't think so. The little guy looks pretty well fed and loved to me."

"Don't say that word, Ryu!" Jun retorted vehemently. "I will not accept even the remotest possibility that Ken had fallen for a buzzard!"

Before Joe could interject, Jinpei said in marvel, "Hey! Jouji's staring at us!"

"STOP CALLING IT 'JOUJI'!"

But, indeed, as the Swallow had said, the tiny turtle was eyeballing them with intense interest. Its beady, black eyes were disproportionately larger than its small head.

"With those huge eyes, you look more like Ken than me," Joe grumbled as he lowered his hand to his hip. Yanking down the side zipper of his jeans, he pulled out a feather shuriken. He was about to squeeze through the window when the Swan grabbed his pants.

"What're you doing? You'll wake up Ken!"

"No, he won't. I just want to play a little bit with Jouji here and…" A moment's silence. Joe ruffled his hair in frustration. "Aaargh! Even I'm calling that damned turtle by my name!"

Shrugging off Jun's hands, the Condor edged forward and waved enticingly the feathered tip of the shuriken before the turtle's eyes.

"Here you go, Kenny," Joe teased the tiny reptile, which followed the shuriken's movements with first its eyes and then its whole head. "You like the pretty feather, Kenny?"

He felt a tug on his T-shirt. "I bet that turtle's a girl. Call it 'Junie'."

As if understanding what the Swan had said, the turtle let out a gassy belch.

"Jouji…" Ken murmured as he plopped his face onto the pillow. "…That's the last time I'll be giving you beer." As soon as he said this, he lapsed into light snoring.

Joe's grin couldn't get any wider. "I guess it's a boy. Sorry, Junie."

"Hmmph!" Jun tossed her head to the side snootily.

Having been distracted by his pretty teammate, Joe was surprised to find that the turtle had carefully clambered up on its master's shoulder in pursuit of its new toy.

"He likes it, Joe! Let me try!" The Swallow made to grab the shuriken, but the Condor held it out of his reach.

"No way!" he cried. "This is my toy!" He waved the feather at the tip of the diminutive reptile's nose. "Come on, Jouji! Follow the feather!"

The four mischievous members of the Kagaku Ninjatai watched patiently as Ken's pet followed the feather shuriken. With slow, shuffling steps, it went up its master's shoulder bone and slid down its slope to traverse the graceful groove at the middle of the Eagle's back. When it reached its master's waist, the blanket hampered its progress. However, with the same stubborn determination that the Eagle was known to exhibit, Jouji would not be deterred. It would get that pretty feather at all cost. Stretching its neck out of its shell as far as it would go, the turtle continued its march, unmindful of the fact that the blanket's hem had gotten caught on its neck and shell and was slowly but surely yanking it down with every plodding step.

"Yes, yes, yes!" the Swan let out an excited squeal. "It's just like watching a striptease! Go, Jouji, go!"

Jinpei's attention was focused on the Condor. "Joe, wipe your mouth, will you? You're drooling!"

It was Ryu who pulled out a tissue. "Here! Let me do it for you."

"Thanks!" Joe said gratefully as the Owl dabbed at his lips. "Now, that's what I call a teammate!"

Jun commented in accusation, "Should a notorious playboy like you even be drooling over another guy?"

The Condor was about to tell the Swan to shut her trap when the turtle suddenly stopped right at the base of Ken's butt. All four ninjas waited with bated breath for what it would do next.

However, everyone's jaws dropped in dismay when Jouji – having tired of the exertion it had been put through – tucked its stubby flippers and tail back into its shell, its head retreating last.

"Hey, Jouji! You shouldn't go to sleep!" Joe hissed furiously as he tapped the shell with his shuriken. "Just when it was getting so good!"

Feeling utterly let down and deprived, Jun exclaimed in exasperation, "Oh for heaven's sake!"

The Swan shouldered past Joe and reached for the blanket. Pinching the hem between her fingers, she yanked it down, causing the little turtle to fly into the air and bounce right smack on the crack between Ken's lovely melons.

It was a glorious sight that Jun found too overwhelming. "Oh my god! Catch me, Jinpei! I think I'm going to faint!"

Panicking, Ryu and Jinpei scrambled to catch Jun, who was falling into a mock swoon.

Joe rolled his eyes upwards. "Jeez! I'll never understand women! They want to see a guy naked, but when they do, they faint! You never see me faint when I see a naked woman!"

He reached in again to get the tiny reptile. "Let's go, Jouji. We've had enough fun. Time to put you to bed with Ken."

Unknown to the Condor, the thumping of the turtle's shell on his ass was enough to rouse the Eagle. His hand sliding down, Ken chuckled, "Jouji, you naughty boy! What are you doing on my butt?"

Just as Joe's fingers closed around the turtle, Ken laid his hand on top of his.

The Eagle – honed by years of red alert drills back in flight academy – sat bolt upright in bed, the blanket slipping down to the floor at the sudden movement. As startled blue eyes met guilty gray orbs, the Condor found that he could not move, his pinned, sweating right hand cupping both pet and master's butt. The seconds seemed to drag on for an eternity as a deep red flush suffused Ken from the tips of his toes to the top of his head.

But then, the red turned to a ghastly white when Jinpei, Ryu and Jun popped up on either side of Joe, their eyes as round as saucers as they beheld heroic Gatchaman in the costume he had worn as an infant, which was absolutely nothing at all.

First, those baby blue eyes blinked and then slowly closed, deep furrows creasing the broad brow. They could hear Ken's teeth gnashing and his knuckles cracking as his right hand closed into a tight fist. There was a flash of fury in his eyes as he focused on the Condor.

"YOU PERVERT!"

 

_The next day..._

There was a loud rattling of metal bars.

"This is so damned unfair! I shouldn't be in here, damn it!"

"There are two words for what you did last night – sexual harassment! You, of all people, should know that!"

"You call that 'sexual harassment'? Then what would you call what you did to ME? You deflowered me with a boomerang!"

"I told you it was an accident! And I even apologized to you, didn't I?"

"HAH! The most insincere apology I had ever heard in my life! Besides, why should I be the only one locked up in jail? I protest! I've got accomplices!"

"If you wanted to manhandle my butt, you shouldn't have brought accomplices with you in the first place!"

"SHUT YER TRAPS OR I'LL THROW YOU BOTH IN A CELL!"

Nambu Hakase groaned and said, "I think I'll call you later, Chief Mahoney," and switched off his phone before the desk officer at Utoland Central Police Station could say anything.

The poor doctor shook his head in a vain attempt to clear the migraine that was turning his brain to mush. With his brows knitted together in a frown, he turned to the three Kagaku Ninjatai members seated on the couch before him.

"Okay!" he began, not hiding his exasperation. "Would someone please tell me what Joe's doing in jail and why Ken is refusing to bail him out with the money I gave him?"

Jun, however, was hysterical. Blowing her nose into her handkerchief like a trumpet blast, she bawled, "I can't believe you said that, Ken!" referring to the Eagle's outburst over Nambu's phone. "Does that mean you really liked Joe manhandling your butt? How could you choose an ugly old vulture over a pretty swan like me?"

Jinpei was still in an obvious state of shock. Completely ignoring the scientist's question, he turned to the Owl and asked, "Ryu? Am I scarred for life? I couldn't get Aniki's naked body out of my head last night."

"Whoa! You got a nosebleed there, little guy!" Ryu pulled out his handkerchief and wiped the Swallow's nose. "You still got Joe's Vid-O-Rama card, right? Let's see if I can get my buddy down in Engineering to help score us some porn from the Back Room. That'll cure you, you'll see."

Jinpei sniffled as he gave his teammate a hug. "Thanks, Ryu! You're a real pal!"

Utterly confused, Nambu turned to Ken's turtle, which was floating blissfully on the water in its little bowl. "I don't suppose you can give me a report on what happened."

To the doctor's surprise, Jouji nodded its tiny head. Nambu could swear that the turtle was actually grinning.

 

 

**THE END**

 

 


End file.
